Dialysis

So ... a lifetime of worry is finally catching up to me. I meet with the vascular surgeon this week about getting my fistula (shunt) done to prepare me for dialysis at some point in the near future.

I'm coping well, but feel like I could really use a good cry - just not able to yet.

I wonder if I'm one of the only ones who has opted just to do dialysis and not go for a transplant. With mother's complication after her transplant (complication - some complication, she died). Anyway, with the risk of cancer and the fact it runs in the family, I'm not going to chance it.

Really, I'm blessed. I'm nearly 60 and just now dealing with this. I could have been much younger. Mom was.

Another Saturday

I hate days like this when I feel so useless. Can't seem to do anything when i feel like this. Did a little yard work and that's about it.

Update

I saw the surgeon today. They put a new cast on and I see him again in two weeks.

Joe Matheney has been working on our landscaping. I can highly recommend him. His work is awesome. I can't remember being this excited about anything in a long time. Maybe because I just need some beauty in my life right now and to see things grow.

Another surgery

I had surgery on my left arm yesterday ... it all went well and I'm recovering. The docs and staff at Baylor are top notch, My surgery was supposed to be on Tuesday, but she went into labor. So her partner did the surgery yesterday. I could hardly believe it, she called me after having her baby to check on me.

Daily miracles

The lesson in Relief Society at church on Sunday reminded me how important it is to recognize the gifts you've been given and to write them down. This last month has been full of miracles.



Our fence ... its been falling down for some time and I felt very uneasy .... unsafe with it like it was. Our home teacher, his family, and some other ward members came over a few weeks ago and put up a new one for us. Brother Matheney deserves lots of stars in his crown.



I got to go to Utah to see my daughter ... another miracle for me ... it happened and it worked the way it was supposed to. My sister came to see me while I was there and we were able to go to the temple together. It was a real blessing.

My dad's exwife asked us to go to see her. She wanted to talk. Steve - my dear husband - was more than willing to go and we drove over Sunday afternoon when I'm sure all he wanted was to take a nap.

I saw my kidney specialist today. In a couple of months I will go in and have a fistula put in my arm. He thinks I'll be on dialysis in about a year. At that point, they'll take my kidneys out.

Maybe this year I'll have a break with nothing too strenous to deal with.

Another day

Went to see my daughter this weekend. Steve finished wiring her basement. She's doing so well, I'm quite proud of her. While he worked, we played and hard. My sister drove down Friday and stayed the night. Saturday AM, we got up and went to the temple and shopped.

We came home on Sunday and I was exhausted. A man I used to work with said, that company and dirty socks both smell after 3 days. I understand. After 3 days, I'm beat and ready to be home and I'm sure she was ready for me to go.

Yesterday, I just rested. I bought groceries, took the dogs for a walk, and slept. Not very productive, but I needed to regroup.

Transplant

Lots has happened since I last posted. We had the memorial service for Helen on the 19th of March. Her kids were all here. Michael sang two songs - "I Heard Him Come" and "Face to Face". Steve did the Eulogy and Gordon Wright was the main speaker and the Caskeys did the prayer. Ruthie Powell did the organ. The lady that was to accompany Mike hurt her back at the last minute and a lovely young lady from one of the other wards did the piano.

I heard from the transplant coordinator yesterday. She said I would be approved as a candidate for transplant but only after they did a bi-lateral nephrectomy. In other words, remove both of my other kidneys. This is due to the number of infections my kidneys have caused that have put me in the hospital. The concern is that they would continue to do so after the transplant (as they are usually left it). This will put me on dialysis immediately.

I'm supposed to see Dr. Rinner.

Helen

We buried Helen this morning. Steve left the house before me and went over to view Helen before they buried her. When I got there, the Caskeys came, a membership of Garland 4th's bishopric was there (Brother Haskin), and President and Sister Kennedy. It was peaceful and spiritual. Steve dedicated her grave. We left there and got a bite to eat, came home and took a walk, and he is napping. I'm trying to pull things back into some form of order. Everything has gotten so chaotic over the past few weeks.

Steve's Mom

On the 31st of January we received a call from hospice saying that Steve's mother had taken a turn for the worst. It was kind of a crazy day in that Steve's sister, Peggy, had plans to fly in anyway and my sister flew in also for her MBA graduation ceremony. I picked my sister up at Love Field and went straight to Mayberry Gardens to check on Helen. From that day until today, my life has revolved around her and her 11x12 room. I watched her deteriorate and shrivel to nothing of her former self. It appears she most likely had a stroke and she could no longer swallow. According to her living will, no feeding tubes and no iv's to keep her alive.

She went for 18 days without food or water. She finally passed this morning at 1:30. Steve and I went straight over to Mayberry and were there until the funeral home picked her up at 4:00 a.m. I went over to Sparkman Funeral Home at 9:00 a.m. with Karen and we dressed her. I went into work mode and Steve and I emptied out her room this afternoon.

She is being buried tomorrow morning and we will have a memorial service for her in March when Steve's sister returns from Cuba.

It was awful watching her waste away. By today she didn't have an ounce of fat left on her - not anywhere. Her arms were as thin as my wrist. A long way from a woman who struggled with being overweight most of her life. She was a fighter though. Who would have ever thought she would have gone for as long as she did and would have died this way. Never in a million years would I have thought she would.

I struggled through this and kept trying to make sense of it, prayed to understand it, and finally realized it was between her and God and I didn't need to know the answers - he did and I'm sure by now, she does.

Someone asked me today if I felt like I'd had 800 pounds lifted off my shoulders, and I'd have to say no. Its too early to feel anything but numb.

President Gerrard came by tonight and brought flowers from the presidency. What a neat man he is.

Another fall

What a day ... we were busier than all get out ... many at the temple today.
Took another fall today ... scared me, but no major damage. I am sore all over though. Just tripped over my own two feet.

Spoke to Kristin on the way home today and she said they had their tubing trip on youtube. Here's the link if anyone wants to see . http://youtube.com/watch?v=4RFVlpznx1c

Utah

The temple was closed for two weeks. I worked through most of it, but did take a couple of days off for Steve and I to fly to Utah to see Kristin. Steve went up to get her basement wired. She had it framed before we got there. Its beginning to look like rooms. He still has to go back and put a few more cans in.

It was good spending time with her and my sister drove into Provo to spend time with us on Saturday.

I went to church with Kristin on Sunday. When I walked into Relief Society and saw this room full of beautiful young women, all trying to do what they should, it was an awesome feeling. Kristin said she wondered the first time she'd walked in what the problem was. So many women and all unmarried.

When I went into sacrament it was really different. No noise! I'm so used to hearing kids and babies. Totally different in this singles ward.

We flew back Sunday night. Got to the airport by the skin of our noses. They had to open the door of the plane to get us on.

This week I've started taking DART to work. Joan, one of the girls I work with, picks me up at the station on her way into work. Its working well ... except for t oday. I couldn't find my fare this morning and told them not to pick me up. Got to work and found it in my wallet ... I couldn't see it for anything. More next time.

Kidney Transplant

Went this week to the Dallas Transplant Institute for testing. The majority of the testing was today and was pretty intensive. I left feeling totally overwhelmed. The biggest challenge is finance. The cost of the anti-rejection medication is staggering and I find myself wondering if it will really be worth it and if we would be able to support it.

The last year was pretty difficult. Three hospital stays and then in December, Steve's truck was totalled. We bought him a new one on 12/31 and then find out this week that the insurance didn't cover the entire payoff on the vehicle. I was dumbfounded. So the news today wasn't great.

Without insurance, we would never be able to do this at all. It would be easier if we were destitute or of a lower income bracket. The government would pay the majority of it. Eventually, Medicaid will chip in ... the first month after the transplant though would be a kick in the pants.