Update

Spent Christmas evening with Stephen and Holli. Stephen's Dad joined us. We had a nice dinner and then went to the movie "Bedtime Stories." It was a cute movie.

Wow - its hard to believe but I'll be in Presbyterian Hospital on Monday starting my dialysis. Yikes . . . that's only 2 days away! I can hardly believe how quickly time passes and how much things can change and how fast they change.

I went to volunteer at the temple last night. I'll admit, I was tired and wanted nothing more than to stay home, but when I got there, I was really glad to be there. It was busy and mark is letting me do more than I expected. It was good to see everyone there.

Today I will have lots to do to be ready for Monday morning. Holli and Stephen are driving me to the hospital.

Christmas Eve

Stayed down most of today. My stomach was not doing well. Made it over to get some immodeum.

We rented "Mamma Mia" out of Red Box and enjoyed it. There was one song on it that really hit a soft spot with me "Slipping Through My Fingers". It reminded me of my daughter so strongly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Se_LRtq36YA&feature=related

Quiet eveninig at home. Will go to my son's tomorrow.

Update

My lovely daughter is home for weekend . . . yea! . . . I love it when she is here and being able to spend time with her.

Its been a week of surprises and awareness of the Lord's hand in our lives.

Surprises . . . I received notice my disability had been approved and was more than I expected it to be. I received notice from social security yesterday that I had been approved.

My awesome sister sent me a quilt she had made for me. Each block was unique and in the center of each block were uplifting quotes .. . one even had a quote my Dad used to say . . . "there's always a break".

Steve has a friend who is a well known artist and had given him one of his early paintings years ago. (Before we were married). I had taken it to a studio to try and sell it about 13 years ago. We decided a couple of years ago to pick it up and bring it home because he'd not been able to sell it. When we went to the studio we found it had been closed. In spite of leaving several phone messages, we were unable to reach them. A couple of weeks ago I tried again and surprise . . . I had a phone call from him yesterday morning. Of course, I immediately went over and picked the picture up. When Kristin and I got back from the airport, I hid the picture in Kristin's closet. Steve caught me in my surprise though and found the picture.

Anyway, I was greatful the Lord watched over us with this.

A farewell

They had a farewell party for me at work today. Several attended, including the current temple presidency and President and Sister Peterson.

My co-workers had made a quilt for me. . . it is beautiful. Several signed the back of the quilt. What a keepsake.

I felt very loved and there were many tears.

Update

Saw my vascular surgeon today. My fistula is ready to be used for dialysis. I was given a dr. order to start. I will see my nephrologist next week and will be scheduling to get it started. They'll put me in the hospital for three days to get started. I was finally hit with the reality of it all on the way home.

This is my last week at work. Yesterday afternoon was the Christmas social and I felt apart from it all. Gayla is now the secretary and I am no longer. I am blessed to have been there and held that job for the past 13 years. Now a new chapter.

I'm feeling a little melancholy today.

The only constancy in life is change

Church was good today. The primary had their program and the children were wonderful. They made my heart smile. "I am a child of God". We say that, but sometimes we forget. I believe at their age, they remember and we can only hope they never forget.

This past week .... month ... wow. I've trained my replacement at the temple and she officially became the secretary this past Saturday. Gayla Dahl. She is delightful and is very kind and genuine. She'll do great. Sigh . . . The Primary children sang "I'm Going to the Temple" in their program today and I cried. 13 years I've worked there and now, it all changes. I've known for 30++ years my kidneys would fail at some point and now it's here. I'm greatful they gave me this long. Wow, mom died at 40 years old. Here I am coming up on 60.

The Lord has truly watched over me. Even at times when I least deserved his watchful care, he was there. He's protected me, gotten me out of bad situations, and has healed my heart. He's given me a loving companion and two great kids and a wonderful sister, good friends, and extended family. All things that really matter.

I can't really ask for more than that.

Soooo . . . I'll work at the family file desk until the end of November and be there to help Gayla when needed. I'm taking off for most of a week in early November to go see my girl and sister.

All is well . . . all is well.

Dialysis

Saw my nephrologist today. Will start dialysis before the end of the year. My eyes filled with tears and I actually felt a tear running down my cheek. First time since I started going down hill.

Yesterday I had a priesthood blessing by President Dieter Uchtdorff. When I came into the room with him, he is bigger than life. Wow.

Another week

So, I've made it another week. I had my fistula put in last week. So far so good. It still looks ugly, hopefully after seeing the dr. next week, it won't look so bad.

Trying to get everything in order at work, so when its time, it'll be any easy transition for the next person.

Sunday - 17 August 2008

Church was good today. Karen taught in Sunday School and did great, as usual. She talked about the things we need to do to protect ourselves and how we fall into sin a step at a time.

Relief Society Juby taught on Zion.

Wow, my surgery is on Thursday. Today right after Relief Society, Diann Bennett, came up and talked to me. It was the first time in all of this I bordered on tears. I am struggling.

Onward and upward.

Dialysis

So ... a lifetime of worry is finally catching up to me. I meet with the vascular surgeon this week about getting my fistula (shunt) done to prepare me for dialysis at some point in the near future.

I'm coping well, but feel like I could really use a good cry - just not able to yet.

I wonder if I'm one of the only ones who has opted just to do dialysis and not go for a transplant. With mother's complication after her transplant (complication - some complication, she died). Anyway, with the risk of cancer and the fact it runs in the family, I'm not going to chance it.

Really, I'm blessed. I'm nearly 60 and just now dealing with this. I could have been much younger. Mom was.

Another Saturday

I hate days like this when I feel so useless. Can't seem to do anything when i feel like this. Did a little yard work and that's about it.

Update

I saw the surgeon today. They put a new cast on and I see him again in two weeks.

Joe Matheney has been working on our landscaping. I can highly recommend him. His work is awesome. I can't remember being this excited about anything in a long time. Maybe because I just need some beauty in my life right now and to see things grow.

Another surgery

I had surgery on my left arm yesterday ... it all went well and I'm recovering. The docs and staff at Baylor are top notch, My surgery was supposed to be on Tuesday, but she went into labor. So her partner did the surgery yesterday. I could hardly believe it, she called me after having her baby to check on me.

Daily miracles

The lesson in Relief Society at church on Sunday reminded me how important it is to recognize the gifts you've been given and to write them down. This last month has been full of miracles.



Our fence ... its been falling down for some time and I felt very uneasy .... unsafe with it like it was. Our home teacher, his family, and some other ward members came over a few weeks ago and put up a new one for us. Brother Matheney deserves lots of stars in his crown.



I got to go to Utah to see my daughter ... another miracle for me ... it happened and it worked the way it was supposed to. My sister came to see me while I was there and we were able to go to the temple together. It was a real blessing.

My dad's exwife asked us to go to see her. She wanted to talk. Steve - my dear husband - was more than willing to go and we drove over Sunday afternoon when I'm sure all he wanted was to take a nap.

I saw my kidney specialist today. In a couple of months I will go in and have a fistula put in my arm. He thinks I'll be on dialysis in about a year. At that point, they'll take my kidneys out.

Maybe this year I'll have a break with nothing too strenous to deal with.

Another day

Went to see my daughter this weekend. Steve finished wiring her basement. She's doing so well, I'm quite proud of her. While he worked, we played and hard. My sister drove down Friday and stayed the night. Saturday AM, we got up and went to the temple and shopped.

We came home on Sunday and I was exhausted. A man I used to work with said, that company and dirty socks both smell after 3 days. I understand. After 3 days, I'm beat and ready to be home and I'm sure she was ready for me to go.

Yesterday, I just rested. I bought groceries, took the dogs for a walk, and slept. Not very productive, but I needed to regroup.

Transplant

Lots has happened since I last posted. We had the memorial service for Helen on the 19th of March. Her kids were all here. Michael sang two songs - "I Heard Him Come" and "Face to Face". Steve did the Eulogy and Gordon Wright was the main speaker and the Caskeys did the prayer. Ruthie Powell did the organ. The lady that was to accompany Mike hurt her back at the last minute and a lovely young lady from one of the other wards did the piano.

I heard from the transplant coordinator yesterday. She said I would be approved as a candidate for transplant but only after they did a bi-lateral nephrectomy. In other words, remove both of my other kidneys. This is due to the number of infections my kidneys have caused that have put me in the hospital. The concern is that they would continue to do so after the transplant (as they are usually left it). This will put me on dialysis immediately.

I'm supposed to see Dr. Rinner.

Helen

We buried Helen this morning. Steve left the house before me and went over to view Helen before they buried her. When I got there, the Caskeys came, a membership of Garland 4th's bishopric was there (Brother Haskin), and President and Sister Kennedy. It was peaceful and spiritual. Steve dedicated her grave. We left there and got a bite to eat, came home and took a walk, and he is napping. I'm trying to pull things back into some form of order. Everything has gotten so chaotic over the past few weeks.

Steve's Mom

On the 31st of January we received a call from hospice saying that Steve's mother had taken a turn for the worst. It was kind of a crazy day in that Steve's sister, Peggy, had plans to fly in anyway and my sister flew in also for her MBA graduation ceremony. I picked my sister up at Love Field and went straight to Mayberry Gardens to check on Helen. From that day until today, my life has revolved around her and her 11x12 room. I watched her deteriorate and shrivel to nothing of her former self. It appears she most likely had a stroke and she could no longer swallow. According to her living will, no feeding tubes and no iv's to keep her alive.

She went for 18 days without food or water. She finally passed this morning at 1:30. Steve and I went straight over to Mayberry and were there until the funeral home picked her up at 4:00 a.m. I went over to Sparkman Funeral Home at 9:00 a.m. with Karen and we dressed her. I went into work mode and Steve and I emptied out her room this afternoon.

She is being buried tomorrow morning and we will have a memorial service for her in March when Steve's sister returns from Cuba.

It was awful watching her waste away. By today she didn't have an ounce of fat left on her - not anywhere. Her arms were as thin as my wrist. A long way from a woman who struggled with being overweight most of her life. She was a fighter though. Who would have ever thought she would have gone for as long as she did and would have died this way. Never in a million years would I have thought she would.

I struggled through this and kept trying to make sense of it, prayed to understand it, and finally realized it was between her and God and I didn't need to know the answers - he did and I'm sure by now, she does.

Someone asked me today if I felt like I'd had 800 pounds lifted off my shoulders, and I'd have to say no. Its too early to feel anything but numb.

President Gerrard came by tonight and brought flowers from the presidency. What a neat man he is.

Another fall

What a day ... we were busier than all get out ... many at the temple today.
Took another fall today ... scared me, but no major damage. I am sore all over though. Just tripped over my own two feet.

Spoke to Kristin on the way home today and she said they had their tubing trip on youtube. Here's the link if anyone wants to see . http://youtube.com/watch?v=4RFVlpznx1c

Utah

The temple was closed for two weeks. I worked through most of it, but did take a couple of days off for Steve and I to fly to Utah to see Kristin. Steve went up to get her basement wired. She had it framed before we got there. Its beginning to look like rooms. He still has to go back and put a few more cans in.

It was good spending time with her and my sister drove into Provo to spend time with us on Saturday.

I went to church with Kristin on Sunday. When I walked into Relief Society and saw this room full of beautiful young women, all trying to do what they should, it was an awesome feeling. Kristin said she wondered the first time she'd walked in what the problem was. So many women and all unmarried.

When I went into sacrament it was really different. No noise! I'm so used to hearing kids and babies. Totally different in this singles ward.

We flew back Sunday night. Got to the airport by the skin of our noses. They had to open the door of the plane to get us on.

This week I've started taking DART to work. Joan, one of the girls I work with, picks me up at the station on her way into work. Its working well ... except for t oday. I couldn't find my fare this morning and told them not to pick me up. Got to work and found it in my wallet ... I couldn't see it for anything. More next time.

Kidney Transplant

Went this week to the Dallas Transplant Institute for testing. The majority of the testing was today and was pretty intensive. I left feeling totally overwhelmed. The biggest challenge is finance. The cost of the anti-rejection medication is staggering and I find myself wondering if it will really be worth it and if we would be able to support it.

The last year was pretty difficult. Three hospital stays and then in December, Steve's truck was totalled. We bought him a new one on 12/31 and then find out this week that the insurance didn't cover the entire payoff on the vehicle. I was dumbfounded. So the news today wasn't great.

Without insurance, we would never be able to do this at all. It would be easier if we were destitute or of a lower income bracket. The government would pay the majority of it. Eventually, Medicaid will chip in ... the first month after the transplant though would be a kick in the pants.